sodajunkie503

I have been working real hard at staying on track and making good choices.  I lost weight the week before.  That was a good boost.  Then as my next week came along I became nervous as I always seem to gained it back.  It is like I may try to0 hard, loose it, then get comfortable and gain it back.

I was feeling pretty confident that I had done great this past week and looking forward to getting on the scale Tuesday.  (wow, never thought I would hear myself say or see myself type that, lol).  Then on Monday I got some horrible news.  My grandmother (my mother’s mom) passed away Sunday night.  I found out while I was at work and broke down in tears.  At that time I pushed my lunch away, of course could not eat, lost my appetite.  I managed through the rest of the day and did what I needed to do to keep from going crazy.  Now I am a very emotional eater and this of course is extremely emotional for me.  I was not alone on Monday night and did have a bowl of soup.  Come Tuesday I was still numb.  I did what I needed to get through the day.  I have my group (TOPS) on Tuesday night and that is when Iweigh in.  Well with me being so numb I did not want to weigh in nor did I want to be around anyone.  I did not want to cry in front of anyone the rest of the day.  Well, I decided I was going to go and just weigh in then leave as so I can update, etc.  I lost 3.8 pounds, wow.  So even though I lost I did not feel any excitement at the time.  I got home and decided I was going to have a snack and that it would be ok as I deserved something with the way I was feeling.  Well, I did not.  I got up and put my energy, if that is what it is called during a time like this, and cleaned, baked some bread for my son (I did not have any of it) and vegged on the couch with my cats and thought about my grandmother and the memories I have of her.  The ice cream and candy stayed in the cupboard and freezer where my son left them. I felt so much better because I got past this very emotional moment without crashing off the wagon.

How am I doing today, Wednesday, still numb.  I did have a piece of the bread I made but ate it at lunch and not just because.  I will not do any emotional eating tonight when I get home.  I am confident that I will not eat whatever and that I will make a good choice for my meal tonight.  As for dealing with the death of my grandmother, that will take time, but each day I am doing better.  Tons of memories.

I want to thank my AP, you know who you are Jenn.  =0) for all your support during all this and for being such a great buddy and friend.

Here’s to knowing that emotional eating does not need to take over.  Am I cured from my emotional eating issues, no, but this is one step closet to conquering it.  I do know that I feel better.

So much for getting going and staying on track.  I seem to do really good with being healthy, exercising and motivation for a healthier lifestyle then I get comfortable, tired, frustrated and busy and then fall back into my old habits.  My goal was to loose my first 25 pounds, but that seems to keep coming back on a week or two after I take it off.  I know this weight did not come on over night and it will not leave over night and that BABY STEPS is the way to get there, one day at a time. I know what I need to do and pretty much how to do it but can’t seem to stay there.  I am chaning my mini goal to 15 pounds, but staking the steps to one pound at a time.  I need to do this not only for myself but for my family.  I want to be here as long as possible.  Since falling off the wagon I have lost my energy and seem to be sleeping so much more and feel more lazy.  Today I have actually planned my meals better and even have my water on hand.  I am at work all day and so I have decided that Iwill do my exercising in the form of walking around the office (in circles, haha) as I am the only one here today.  It may be a boring “walk” but it is steps towards getting there.    I am now ready to kill computers.  I finished my blog, then went to publish it and lost the last half of what I typed,  hmmmm.     I am sorry to my buddies for not being around lately and supporting you on your journey.  Please forgive me, that is going to change as I need you guys as well.  My blogging today is pretty much random thoughts, but hey, it all works.  LOL.  So the weather outside is not very bright (although I like the rain) so not a bad idea for me to walk indoors.  May need to bring my ipod with me more as when I get to the back half of the office I will not hear the lobby radio.  Better choices and baby steps, one day at a time is the way to get to where I am going.  I am co-leader at my support group (TOPS - Take Of Pounds Sensibly) so that give me accountability as well as a source of being a role model (that is the way I try to look at it).  I am here for them, as well as they are here for me.  I am going to go and stock my frig with healthy choices tonight as well.  I have a really good soup recipe that I tried and really like it.  Seems to be a hit with others I have shared it with so I will be working on getting that posted as well.  Well, off I go to get some walking in, in circles LOL. 

Oh, I had two sodas last week, did not crave it, was just in a mood to have something different to drink, no craving and no worry.  Back on my water.  I CAN DO THIS….. BABY STEPS, ONE DAY AT A TIME

Wow, it has been a month already.  I did not realize it until someone asked me how I was doing with my soda addiction.  WOW, I have not had any nor have I had a craving for it.  I HAVE DONE IT and did not even realize it.
It has been a bumpy road for the food, but then again, I have to have food to survive, but soda I do not.  What I am saying is like out of sight, out of mind.  It is not something that I have to have to survive on therefore without it around I don’t realize it. 
If I can do without the soda, I can do without the junk food, etc.  I went to Red Robins on Saturday to meet with my friends as we usually do every few months.  I ate a burger and fries, not as many fries as I usually do, but I did have some.  I only drank water and did not have dessert.  I felt pretty good until I got home and got totally sick to my stomach.  I had gone without that fattening stuff long enough that when I put it back in my system it tore me up.  OUCH!!! and ARRGGGHHHH!!!! No thank you.
I have since learned also that my Starbucks drinks are major bad too.  Worse than I thought.  I moved on to Skinny Vanilla Latte and am saving myself 400 calories and over 80 gm of carbs, per drink.  Oh yes, that is per drink.  I do not have them everyday, but still, that is a lot.  WOW.
I am feeling pretty good with my choices that I have been making.  I lost 2.6 pounds this past week and even went out to eat.
I am finding other ways to feel good about myself besides eating.  I am starting to feel alive.  I am feeling lighter.  I am going to get hooked on this feeling.  HMmmmm, isn’t that part of a song?  HOOKED ON A FEELING.  lol
This I can do. This I will do.  I am doing this.  Yeah for me.  Yeah for me. 
Anyone that is reading this, you can do this too.  Yeah.  We can do this.  Now that I am all hyped up, it is time for me to go to bed, haha.  That is ok, I will have good dreams.  Until next time…..

and had a wonderful time as well.  Sunday went pretty good.  We had a very nice time and the movie was good.  We saw Jumper. 
As for my popcorn.  I DID GREAT!  I slept late that day so I ended up only having a yogurt before we headed out to the theatre.  We were planning on having dinner out before the movies but I decided I wanted to see the earlier show and have nachos for my dinner at the theatre and so we did. (Our theatre has pretty much everything, even Starbuck) I did have popcorn, but instead of the large bucket/bag with added butter in the middle and on top I had a child’s size without the added butter and I got a water instead of a soda.  I did not feel cheated at all.  It was a very nice meal and snack all while I got to watch a movie with my son.
I did not feel like I cheated or was cheated.  Thank you everyone for your advice and encouragement. 
NOW FOR MY NEXT TRICK….. I am meeting up with friends at Red Robin this upcoming weekend.  I meet with two gals I use to work with every few months at Red Robin to catch up on things.  We usually have whatever to eat and then share a slice of Mud Pie.  I feel pretty confident at this time as I do not have a desire for the pie, but am a little worried about the french fries (my best food friend).  I have already decided that I will have a salad (chicken pollo salad) but will still want the fries.  Of course I will not have any soda, but will have water instead.  Someone advised me to go ahead and have a few fries, but not sure if that is even a good idea.  I know I should not deprive myself, but afraid of overdoing it too.  And the ranch always goes with the fries.  hmmmmm.  Wow, this is an interesting trick to do. 

I have not been closed up at home.  But have not ventured out into public places with food since starting my weightloss journey, except the grocery store.  My son and I are planning on going to the movies this coming Sunday evening and I have never, and I mean never, went to the movies without getting a large drink of sort, not water, and a large buttered popcorn.  I really want to go to see the movie but I am totally starting to worry about being around the smell and sounds, etc. of the food/snacks.  I am sure I would do ok, but it would be a torture and I want to see this movie on the big screen not on dvd.  I thought about maybe allowing myself water and a child’s small size bag of popcorn, but then again I think that would be cheating and end up messing up all that I have done. 

I have had so much trouble in the past staying on track after the first week I do not want to flush all I have done down the toilet, so to speak.

Am I being a little paranoid and silly, or do I have a legitt concern?  Who knows.  All I know is I do not want to worry and think so much about food but I need to be able to live and go out to public places, etc.

I still have a few days before we go.  I welcome any input on this issues and would very much appreciate it all. 

Well, I have been good for almost a week.  I know a week does not sound like much but for me it is.  In the past by the second week I fall off the wagon and get lost.  I am nervous that it may happen again.  I am being positive and am determined this time, but still worry.

My friend invited me out to dinner tonight at one of my favorite places, Red Robin.  Me and the fries are best friends.  I told her no.  She said that I could have a salad and be good.  I told her the temptation was still there and I have no plans on messing up now.  I need to be strong.  I came home and had my dinner, healthy dinner.  I did great with that as I had nothing planned before I got home.  Good thing I had good stuff in the fridge.

I am keeping a food journal throughout this journey so I can look back if need some direction, etc. 

I think I may start back at TOPS this coming week as it has been almost two months.  I am afraind of the scale as well.  I have to weigh in once a week but nervous as to the results as seen it up and down too much in the past.  My friend advised having a pair of pants I can try on each week, but I see that as more depressing if I do not get obvious results.

 Thank you for letting me “voice” my thoughts/worries.  LOL

 STILL NOT SURE IF I AM GOING TO GROUP YET

It is Monday night, 02/18/08, and still not sure if I am going to go to my group tomorrow.  I am not exactly sure why.  The only reason I think is that I have spent so many weigh-ins up and down that I am embarrassed to see the other gals of group.  I feel like a failure and do not want to take that chance.  So much of me wants to see what I have done over the past week, but then again too scared.

I have my scale at home but that is not the same reading as groups scale and once I do start again then I will have to deal with figuring out two different weights, like one is not enough to deal with.  I am thinking about just going, getting on the scale and leaving before many gals show up. 

Well, today is day number one and I survived.  Did what I could do of my Pilates, wow, not even, but I am not going to give up.  I am not flexible and a lot of the moves are not possible with my size, but I am not giving up.

I started out my evening thinking that I could forego the Pilates and started making excuses as to why I did not need to do them ~ Do not have the time…. Got home late….. housework needed done…. too tired…. my first day, no exercise needed. ~ Nope, not going to do that.  I did my exercises.  Granted it was only about ten minutes, but oh my goodness, it was an exhausting ten minutes.  I DID IT (with some modifications).  My dvd also has toning for the upper body so I will be working with that also. 

So much in the past I have made excuse after excuse, not just with my exercising but also with my eating.  I get going on a healthier lifestyle, then I get busy, tired or sick and that is my excuse to eat as I please and drink my soda.  No more excuses.  I need, and will, stop and think and act on postive thinking and actions. 

NO MORE EXCUSES. 

** UPDATE **

Well, I did survive the Pilates, but the second day I did major spring cleaning, etc in the house.  But wow, I sure do feel my last few days of working out/cleaning. 

Thank you everyone for the support and comments.  I am not going to give up. 

Tomorrow night may not be Pilates as my grandaughter will be over so it may be Exercise With Elmo… this is going to be interesting.

 FRIDAY EVENING

 Well, I have survived almost a week, and still going strong.  My exercise has not been Pilates, it has been extreme spring cleaning.  Wow.  Exhausted but feeling good.  Also running my behind off at work.  I am already seeing more energy.  This weekend it will be walks for me with the little ones, and possibly even playtime at the park.  Looking forward to it.  Let’s hope the weather cooperates for those.

I am looking at joining the gym again.  I let the membership slide after my feet injuries.  I will also start back next weekend at my weekend job.